Die with memories, not dreams

I've had a hard time finding inspiration lately. Not for lack of reasons to be so, more due to my own stagnation. It's very easy to get so far into a routine that you wake up six months later and you are doing the same exact thing with very little, if any, progress made. That's how I feel right now. Sure, I have a training program and I am making progress in terms of fitness gains. But am I really progressing as a person? Why does everything seem so idle? At some point over the course of the past year I forgot about why I do this. Then I read a quote someone posted onto FB: "I'd rather die with memories than with dreams."

If you want to achieve something abnormally challenging, you must first have a dream, an idea. Initially, mine was to become a better person by replacing bad habits with good, and triathlon was the catalyst to accomplish this. I set specific goals and met them all over the course of two years. From super sprint in Aug 2011 to Ironman in May 2013. Then what? After Ironman I was tired and I knew there was a hip injury to deal with. I set small goals for the remainder of 2013 and met them, securing an invitation to the USAT Nationals race in Milwaukee. Then what?

In terms of racing, last year was moderately successful. I got stronger on the bike and found my sub-7 run pace, but I was unable to put together any meaningful races. My goals were more focused on family: we were remarkably successful in welcoming our son to the world and helping him grow into the little person he is today. I finished off the year by earning a 2:07 olympic distance time and as I crossed the line I remember thinking, "this may be it." I trained very little over the winter, got the flu for a couple of weeks and nursed an achilles and knee injury. The question came back up, "now what?"

After the half-marathon in January I had no plan. Work became increasingly frustrating, we dealt with being unhappy in our new neighborhood and the prospects of moving again, and several events have occurred that have brought upon much sadness to our world. I'm a firm believer in the simple idea that if you don't like the way something is, change it. Life is too short. So  I will declare with this blog post that the reversion back to my former self ends now with a new set of dreams and the goals to make them memories.

Race as an Elite triathlete
My local triathlon/bike shop, Tru Tri Sports, was offering up several sponsorships for the 2015 season at various levels: Elite, Podium and Age-grouper. Each had a set of defined requirements that needed to be met, along with a tiered benefit package with supporting items such as gear, nutrition, bike maintenance and group fitness. I told the Tru Tri team my story and why I love this sport, gave them my qualifying times and three weeks later I was accepted onto their Elite team. This is a huge opportunity and I cannot quantify with words how excited and grateful I am. I look forward to representing their brand and promoting their awesome shop in 2015. I'll be racing a minimum of 6 events for their team this year and volunteering at multiple other events throughout the season.

Ironman 70.3 - Texas

Cross the finish line in 4:48 or better. I will have to swim a 1:42/100m pace (33 minutes), cycle at 22.4 mph (150 minutes) and run at a 7:37/mi pace (100 minutes). 5 minutes in transition.

Podiums

Score top-3 at Tejas Triathlon (May 31), Shadow Creek (July 12) and Cypress (July 26). 

USAT National Championships - Olympic

- Travel to Old Milwaukee in August and finish in 2:05 or better. Then have a beer or two.

- Qualify for 2016 

Volunteer Time

I plan on volunteering (not showing up, racing and saying I volunteered) in at least three events throughout the year.

Be a Better Husband, Father Son and Brother

- Leave work at the back door when I get home

- Move my family when the timing is appropriate

- Visit my parents in CO

- Spend more time with my brother

- Tell my in-laws more often how much we appreciate their help

I feel more comfortable going into the last three quarters of the year with a road map. It also feels good to have a set of dreams/aspirations and the corresponding goals to make memories. I challenge you to ask yourself "what's next?"

And the Lord answered me, and said, "Write the vision and make it plain upon tables, that he may return that readeth it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry."

Habakkuk 2:2-3

2015 Aramco Houston Half Marathon recap - What's going on in your head?

Sunday marked my second time to complete the half-marathon sponsored by Chevron/Aramco in Houston. The first in 2008, the year I officially moved to Houston, was a difficult race both mentally and physically and I can remember barely moving across that finish line and crashing shortly thereafter. I, like many runners who sign up for these races, did not train adequately and paid the price when the event arrived (I remember my "long" run being 4 loops around Memorial Park).

As most endurance athletes can attest, the Monday after a race is filled with people popping their heads in and asking you how things went, how you're feeling, what your time was and the obligatory congratulations (all of which I truly enjoy answering). Today was special for me because a colleague asked how I kept focused and what went through my head during all of the miles. Great question and even better inspiration to type up a post for my blog.

Racing over long periods of time requires proper training of the cardiovascular system, the joints, bones and tissues and even more importantly, the brain. The feeling of pain is a mechanism by which your brain tells you stop, quit, sit down and take a break. It's synonymous with the check engine light in your car--doesn't mean you can't keep going, just means something isn't exactly right. The more you train, the longer it takes the check engine light to come on when you're moving. When the pain starts, it becomes your brain's mission to make you stop. There is a fine line between pushing the limits of your body and doing it harm, and I am by no means recommending anyone ignore what their body is telling them. If your legs feel good, your heart rate is steady and you are not physically ill, but you still want to quit, there are ways to override the system. Here are a few of mine.

#1 Make every mile a single event, compartmentalizing it. Avoid focusing on what mile you are in, what mile is next and calculating how far you have left to go. These actions fuel mental breakdowns. Focus instead on your pace, your form (extremely important), how you are feeling (hungry, thirsty, hot, cold, sore) and the distance left in this one mile run. Finish this mile as efficiently as you can, then move onto the next one.

#2 Use positive affirmations. Yes, talk to yourself. Endurance events are lonely so be your best friend out there. "KMF" "BYB" "SY" "FS" "NGU"...keep moving forward, be your best, surprise yourself, finish strong, never give up.

#3 Use other participants to pace yourself. I label other athletes by their kits/bibs or shoes: Newton, Asic, Zoot, Pearl, ORR, OUL, HRTC. If my pace is correct and another athlete is in sight, I make it my goal to catch them. Then I mark someone else and do the same.

#4 Every mile is an opportunity to think about someone in your life for XX minutes. Every single mile of the run courses I complete are devoted to a person in my life. I don't even have to think about it, it just pops up. Yesterday I can remember my grandfather, Gramps, popping up at mile 6 (I saw a spectator who looked just like him), I thought of Emily at mile 7 and how this would be our 7th wedding anniversary. Mom and Dad took mile 5. I thought of my good friend Jamie during the first mile and how I wish he was here running with me. My in-laws popped up at mile 8. Chris and Megan took mile 11. Jack took mile 13.

My official time in 2008 was 1:56:16 and measured an 8:52/mi pace. My official time in 2015 was 1:31:29 with a measured pace of 6:54/mi. While hard work and discipline play a small role in the improvement, the greatest gains come from being able to connect the hobby you are so passionate about to making yourself a better person at the same time. The body is useless without the mind and spirit. Congratulations to all of my friends who finished the full and half distances. Many thanks to Chris and Megan for being there in the darkest, mile 11. To Lee and Judi, Alex, Jack and Dina for being there at the finish. And especially to my wife for allowing me to pursue this crazy dream of mine while trying to be the best man I can be.

Now onto Galveston 70.3.

2014 reflection and 6 lessons for my Son

I haven't written in quite a while, partly due to time constraints and partly due to searching for the next bit of inspiration to keep it up. We welcomed our first child, a baby boy, Jack, on June 1, 2014 at 9:54 pm and my life has been turned upside down ever since. Needless to say, triathlon took a back burner along with sleep and coherence. In an effort to double-down on our stress levels, we decided to sell our home in the Heights and took on the management of building a home in the suburbs. Jack arrived two weeks after we moved in. I have never felt more loyalty and love for anything in my entire life; it is a feeling indescribable by words.

I started this blog to tell my story in order to motivate others by using triathlon as a metaphor, and as such, would like to continue that trend. This post will attempt to recount the 2014 triathlon season, take all of the things I learned and form them into lessons for Jack. Here goes nothing:

The older you get, the more things hurt. I began 2014 with a new hip and groin after having them surgically repaired in Oct 2013. The orthopedic surgeon suggested that years of abuse from playing football, running with poor form and not stretching had torn the group of ligaments that attached my quadricep muscle to my hip joint. My lesson to you: God gave you one set of tools for being active. Take care of them because the repaired version is never as good as the original. Choose your activity level wisely. And stretch.

Major decisions need time. Your mother and I are very good at many things. Making life changing decisions is not one of them (we're trying to get better). I can attribute the majority of the mistakes I've made in my life to being impatient. I've left jobs for what I thought was something better, more distinguished, only to find it was too soon. I've moved, thinking new scenery would provide a new set of opportunities. I've overspent on vehicles and homes. I've taken off too fast on the swim to find later that my heart rate was too high causing my bike and run to suffer. My lesson to you: Try to understand the phrase "Rome wasn't built in a day." Before you write a check and sign a legal document, sleep on it. Take a weekend to reflect on it. Write down the pros and cons. Run the numbers. Repeat.

Adversity is a good thing. My best friend and training partner accepted a new job in June and our time together ended abruptly. My work became increasingly challenging over the summer. Your mother and I struggled to find a balance in our home with the "new normal." When obstacles come your way and negativity surrounds you, there is a part of your brain that is going to tell you to get angry, to quit and to start over. My lesson to you: Adversity is a better fuel than an extinguisher. Take all of your anger, sadness, worry and doubt and turn it into something positive. Change the status quo. Ask anyone who has quit something because it was too hard and they'll tell you about the regret that they have to live with. Ask anyone who has pushed forward (even if they later failed) and they'll tell you about a lesson they learned and how it made them a better person.

Work harder than everyone around you. I have a weekly schedule and routine that I follow to a fault. With time being a constraint, I have to be efficient in all of my activities and everything I do has a purpose with no time being wasted, whether work, training or at home. Success for me takes work. I want to be the best husband, father, employee and triathlete that I can be and I don't ever want to feel like I could have given more. My lesson to you: Never finish a race with gas in your tank. Whether that race is helping out at home, working to close a transaction or a competitive athletic event, make sure you work harder (and smarter) than everyone around you. Not only will it make you better, but others will follow to keep up. As my great-grandmother used to say, "just do your best; that's all a mule can do."

Choose to be humble over prideful. Through racing locally over the past 3 years, writing a blog and being a part of a couple multi-sport teams, people talk to me about training and racing. I field a lot of questions and give out a lot of advice (hope it's all good). My real job is also consultative in nature and I advise management teams on how to improve their processes. My unique position comes with a choice: to build people up or break them down. My lesson to you: Never take your knowledge or success and use it to make someone feel like it is unattainable for them. Pride comes before a fall. Remember where you came from and how hard you worked to get to where you are, and inspire others to do the same.

Lastly and least important, I did a quick recap of my racing since my first race and built the attached table:

Looking back over the last three years, I can see marked improvements in every facet of my life. I am happier and healthier. I feel like I am a better husband now that I am a father. I learned to train smarter vs. training harder. I stopped taking work so personally and just try to show up everyday, work hard and do my best. My last lesson to you would be to find something that makes you happy and do it well. Then use it to inspire others to do well.


Kelly/Dad
Hebrews 12:1

Wind in the sails

"You cannot direct the wind, but you can change your sails."






It seems like ages since my last blog post, not for lack of content or inspiration, primarily because of time. This year is now 1/4 of the way completed and I wonder where the time goes...Over the last three months, my focus has been primarily on family. We sold our home (thank God) in 48 hours, are completing the build of our new home (hopefully at the end of this month) and have invaded my in-laws' for the interim as we wait to transition. The wind has changed our course from what was once a fast-paced inner city life focusing on happy hours, the newest dining experience and anti-commuting, to a life focused solely on preparing a suburban nest for Jack's arrival. I was, now admittedly, afraid of the changes and still find myself wondering if we made the right choices. But every time I see Emily's belly and feel the little dude kicking, I know we are right where we need to be.






Injury was the topic of discussion over the holidays and through the last couple of months. As of this writing, I can confidently say that I have never felt better about where I am mentally and physically. I still have the minor aches and pains that anyone would get from the volume of training that we do, but my hip is pain-free and has gradually improved back to where I feel normal again. I have learned a lot about control and managing expectations throughout this whole process and am almost glad I went through it. Almost.






One benefit to our current (and future) living arrangement is that I have changed training grounds, effort and schedule. Jamie and I are now able to train 4-5 times per week during the lunch hour(s) which has been mutually beneficial (at least for me). The club we are members of offers spin, an indoor track, free weights and most importantly, amenities to allow for clean-up and return to work. Why didn't we think of this when we were training for IM? Change the sails.




I focused all of my efforts over the off-season on strength training, primarily in my legs and shoulders. After the half-marathon in January, I resumed my efforts to triathlon. The focus has been, quite simply, speed. We run intervals at 5min/mi paces. We do high velocity spin workouts. We focus on heart rate and extending the race pace. I wish I could insert something in here about swimming, but this has ultimately been neglected and will return to focus this weekend....






The hard work has paid off.






I competed in my first race of the year on March 29: the No Label Brewery triathlon in Katy. I had no expectations for the race, other than to see how far I could push, and was expecting a crowd of 200 people who just wanted to workout for a bit and then drink beer the rest of the day. When I racked my bike in the open-rack T1, I saw three rows full of decked-out carbon machines and the owners were not who I was expecting. In fact, I immediately spotted a group of athletes that we raced against all of last year. Contrary to my vision for the race, the organizer had been able to attract a field of 400 athletes, a dozen or so whom either raced elite last year or got extremely close. I turned in a 1:04 which was good enough to earn 3rd place in my age group and a trip to the podium (11th overall). The swim was slower than normal, but I'll blame it on being caught up in the snake lanes. My bike was average (had a wheel rubbing my brake for the first 5 miles) and the run was great at a 5:57min/mi pace. The most exciting thing about this race is that it counts towards my elite status qualification since I finished within 10% of the overall winner's time (under 5% actually).



I opted for the double-header and ran the Run for the Rose 5k the next morning to support a cause that was dear to Jamie after the loss of a childhood friend to brain cancer. Jamie had set out to win the race and I was going to be towed around the course, however, the triathlon on the day before took some fuel from my tank and I couldn't run on his heels the entire race. Jamie absolutely crushed this run and went on to place 2nd in our age group and earned a top 10 overall spot in the race. The hard work has paid off for him as well...I was able to kick my legs to a 6th place in age group and 13th overall, averaging 6:24min/mi.






I look back on the past couple of years and realize how much I have changed for the better as a person, and I continue to attribute this to the drive and determination to improve athletically. I have goals and can see them met with hard work. My mind is clear and my body feels great. Obstacles have become challenges both professionally and personally. For me, tomorrow is always a new opportunity to prove something to myself.






I tell people all the time, if you don't like something about your situation, change it. Don't settle for the status quo. When the wind blows, change your sails.

A lookback of 2013 and my 2014 list

"So much of our time is preparation, so much is routine, and so much retrospect, that the path of each man's genius contracts itself to a very few hours."

What a year 2013 turned out to be...it's hard to believe that so many things fit into such a small 365 day window and that there was any time left to simply breathe, let alone exhibit any form of genius. Emerson said it best.

Preparation
2013 began with Emily and I preparing: We prepared for our fifth year of marriage. We prepared to grow our family. We prepared, as is obvious from this blog, for ironman. Along the way there were many things that went according to plan, like completing IMTX and qualifying for USAT Nationals, growing the relationship with Emily as we attempted to get pregnant and purchasing a new home to fit our anticipated larger family. There were also things that did not, such as losing our first pregnancy and having hip surgery. As is with anything in life, the preparation has paid off. As we embark on 2014, we have an 18-week old baby boy doing summersaults in Emily's belly, the foundation has been poured for our new home in the burbs and we are all (2+1+2 dogs) healthy.

Routine
Three words: work, work and work. I am currently responsible for the financial operations of twelve small-cap E&P companies located in Texas, New Mexico and the Gulf of Mexico. Work is routine and is not my passion, but I understand it and think I might be pretty good at it, however I definitely prefer to be outdoors in the sun. I am a perpetual attendee of conference calls, budget meetings and board meetings. After typing this, I can understand why I am so active outside of the office....

Retrospect
In retrospect to 2013, I have learned that Emily and I are resilient people. I could blame this on extreme hard-headedness but I'd rather (and truly) believe that we are, quite simply, tough. Our personalities feed on challenge. I look back at all we have endured individually and as a couple and it amazes me at how much stronger we are now than we were 5 years ago. We both approach life as an endurance event, taking what it gives us and moving forward faster than we were at the last hurdle. I am proud of us.

Genius
Genius for me were those moments when I pushed myself until I felt like I could not take another step, but I moved one foot in front of the other and kept moving forward. The applications of this principle are vast and reach so much further than athletic accomplishments. I view the world differently now. The people who told you growing up that you could accomplish anything you set your mind to were absolutely correct, whether or not they meant it or you believed it at the time. The world is full of people who are either too afraid to try or quit too soon. The genius for me is knowing that I will never be a part of this group.

My 2014 List

1. I will wake up everyday and accomplish something that positively affects the world I live in.
2. I will make a conscious effort to forgive no matter how badly I am hurt.
3. I will give more than I receive. 
4. I will choose my words (and tone) more wisely.
5. I will follow God's commandments.
6. I will pray everyday.
7. I will be thankful for my plight, understanding that somewhere out there, someone's predicament is worse.
8. I will do something active everyday.
9. I will be more conscious of the way I treat my body, aka, I will stretch more.
10. I will call old friends once a month.
11. I will complete another ironman this year.
12. I will learn to embrace traffic, and again, choose my words more wisely.
13. I will watch less TV and read more books.
14. I will learn to be a father.
15. I will travel somewhere new and experience a new culture.
16. I will #keepmovingforward

Kelly

My Journey Through Hip Labrum Recovery: Entry 6 - Eight Weeks

The heights by great men reached and kept
Were not obtained by sudden flight;
But they, while their companions slept,
Were toiling upward in the night.
Standing on what too long we bore,
With shoulders bent and downcast eyes,
We may discern-unseen before-
A path to higher destinies!
~Longfellow

Today marks the 8th week (plus 1 day) after I had my hip labrum repaired and my iliopsoas lengthened. People keep asking how I am doing, which I've found to be a tough question to answer. Do I feel sick? No. Can I walk? Yes. Am I back to working out? Sort of. Does it still hurt? Sometimes more than I think it should. Is it healed? Some days I can say yes, and others I confidently say no.

Physical therapy for my particular recovery began the day after surgery. I had the surgery, took a couple hydrocodone and was back in the hospital for a post-op 17 hours later where they plopped me on the table and stretched my leg out. From what I can remember, they were able to get 10% range of motion in the joint during this visit and the scope holes were cleaned. My next PT appointment was more formal and I met my actual trainers at the Ironman Sports Medicine Institute 3 days later. This is when the real fun began.

Let me just get this out there without a sugar coating: physical therapy sucks. Really sucks. On my first visit with my new best friends, they picked me up, put me on a stationary bike and told me to get to work. Up to this point, I had not moved the leg from 180 degrees in three days in fear of doing damage to my doctor's artwork. After a couple of revolutions of the pedals, there was an immediate release of pressure in the joint and I felt relief for the first time. I got in 5min of slow spinning and then laid on a table for a 30 min evaluation of the joint, the iliopsoas and all of the surrounding muscles/tendons in my leg. I was released and told to come back in 2 days. The 48 hours that elapsed between my first and second visit to the IM Institute were excruciating, both physically and mentally. The lack of use of my leg was causing sever muscle spasms, the 2 holes in my leg were constantly throbbing and I felt like someone stuck a knife in my lower abdomen. Not to mention the band-aid glue had given me a rash and  the meds were making me emotional and giving me headaches.

On the second visit to PT, I gave them a briefing of what I was feeling, which immediately led into a 45 min stretching session that bent me like a pretzel. I found out afterwards that the guys had visited my doctor and he had given them direction to "release" the tendons and to break up the "junk" that had built up in my hip after the surgery. Dead tissue + platelet therapy blood + drilling holes through my quad + sawing down the iliopsoas = massive fluid and debris build up that has nowhere to go. Like a guest who stays at the party too long, I was glad to see it leave and the feeling I felt upon release is indescribable with words. I was feeling much better.

Over the next 3 weeks I would graduate to spinning longer, stretching more, walking on my own, using the row machine and begin to do squats. I was also cleared to get back into the pool when my stitches were removed during week 3, so swimming with a pull buoy became a regular activity. For every bad day, there were two good ones and I was finally starting to sleep through the night.

By week 6, I was able to frequent the gym, focusing on weight training, swimming (with buoy) and higher velocity spinning. I was also doing crossfit-esque workouts with kettle bells, dumb bells, medicine balls, etc. etc. I also began jumping rope for 30 second intervals. The pain was still there but centralized on the muscles that stabilized the hip rather then the hip itself. I was sleeping again, albeit more sore from working out, but getting 6 hours a night without pain medication. My 6 week post-op appointment with Dr. Adickes was a success and I was given a PT prescription to prepare for running in 4 weeks. Feeling great and getting stronger.

Week 7 PT activity ramped up to the point of squatting with weight, jumping rope, short-distance jumping, lunges, and all of the above workouts combined. I was also going through "release therapy" whereby my iliopsoas was being released at each visit. Pain level was 3/10 and I was getting stronger on the bike, swimming with kicks and working out harder in the gym. Sleep was good and no more pain meds.

At the beginning of week 8 (this week) I was feeling good about my progress and was gaining confidence in my ability to jog a little (10-20 feet) and keep the pain subsided. As I was putting on my pants on Tuesday morning, I felt a snap as I lifted my leg and there was an immediate soreness in the abdomen, groin and hip area. I made it through the day by taking some pain meds at lunch and took it easy the rest of the day knowing I had PT on Wed morning. My trainers had a full 1:15 workout planned which was derailed when they listened to what happened the day before. It was immediately back to the table for an evaluation and I spent the rest of the session stretching and trying to release the sore tendons. Apparently the iliopsoas had tightened up to the point that it was rubbing on the front of my hip (which is why Dr. Adickes cut and extended it) and it took over 30 min to get it to release by pushing through my abdominal wall and lifting my leg straight up into the air. Needless to say, this is a setback at this point in the process as I am scheduled to resume jogging on the 20th of Dec. We were supposed to be ramping up calisthenics and instead are making sure the muscles get some rest. I have a tough PT workout scheduled for Monday the 9th and am hoping I can maintain the 3/10 pain level until then. So now I would say, 3 good days to 1 bad day.

When I made the decision to have the surgery back in September, I had visualized being up and running by mid-January. As of today, I am still on track, although the pain I feel when I jog across the room is eerily similar to the pain I had pre-surgery. This tells me I am not ready just yet. The non-vascularity of the hip joint makes the healing time doubly longer than normal injuries. And given the way it tightened up on me this week, it's not ready.

I thought a weekly activity summary might be helpful for folks having the same issue, just to know what to expect. I wish I had known prior to my experience....

Week 1: Stretch, stretch, stretch, rest.
Week 2: Stationary bike, rowing, upper body weight training plus above
Week 3: Walking, swimming (pulling) plus above
Week 4: Body weight squats, jogger stretches plus above
Week 5: Tendon release therapy plus above
Week 6: Jump rope, crossfit, high velocity spinning plus above
Week 7: Deadlifts, weighted squats, lunges plus above
Week 8: All of the above

Week 9 - 10 forecast: treadmill, side-to-side motions, stair climber, power cleans *and hopefully* jogging....

If this was a test of my metal, I'd no doubt say that this is just piece of the continual journey that I am on. It's the off-season and I am recovering. I have toiled upwards in the night while others have slept. The inspiration I'd like to impart would be to never quit. Don't just say it casually or read it off of a motivational poster...Never quit. Anything (unless its smoking or doing illicit drugs, etc.). Remember, the finish line doesn't move or change--it's always there and waiting to be attained. It's the person that chooses to move forward or give up.

Big news about 2014 racing to come...For now, keep moving forward.

Kelly

My Journey Through Hip Labrum Recovery: Entry 5 - Two Weeks

Moving on.

I had my 2 week post-op visit with Dr. Adickes last Friday and my stitches were removed. The incisions are gnarly and the Band-Aid glue has been helpful in providing me with a nice rash. We discussed the rehab protocol, weaning from the crutches and the forward plan. We are moving on.

Physical therapy has been grueling and my body feels more tired than in the hours post-ironman. No matter your fitness level, everything is twice as hard when you have little muscle memory in your quads and adductor, and I find myself getting frustrated with how difficult the simplest exercises are to complete. The therapists know this and reward me with trips to the stationary bike as an end to the sessions. I can still spin 100+ rpm's consistently for extended time periods without my breath laboring. That's when I'm in my element and feel good about where I'm at, the proverbial trip down the finisher's chute. I find recovery from the therapy sessions takes much longer than I am used to and am having to re-learn patience and trusting my body's cues as to when it needs rest and attention. Both elements that I took for granted not more than a month ago.

I have completely removed myself from the pain medications and choose to only medicate with the daily arthritis preventative and the compound cream that I received as part of rehab. I find the combination of these two keep the headaches away and allow me to move about freely without too much pain. The CPM machine is gone. Sleeping is difficult. I wore the "shackle" brace the first two weeks and am finding that removing it is helping me sleep better. You never really appreciate how much you move in your sleep until you are restricted from doing so (get the theme here?). So instead, I have been building forts with pillows and sleep in a pillow-box to keep from rolling over. Reversion to adolescence?

I am back at work full-time and am in the process of moving my office furniture back to pre-surgery design. It is extremely comfortable to sit like this (although not very functional):

I have to get up and walk multiple times throughout the day to keep the blood flowing in my legs. Sitting and standing are the most painful activities because you cannot help placing your hips into angles that it does not want to be in. The comments about the creaking crutches have stopped, and now the joke is centered around how I "can sneak up on people again." The ladies in my office still insist on bringing me bottles of water and laffy taffy even though I've told them multiple times that I am not a quadriplegic. I'll take all the love I can get....

Therapy is now centered around regaining muscle strength in my legs, more specifically, the quad, groin, hamstring and glute. I am tasked with going to the gym everyday to ride the stationary bike, do box squats, leg extensions, calf raises, leg press (avoiding 90 degree angles) and all of the upper body lifting I can handle. I cannot use free-weights just yet, so everything is done with a machine. There is also a very strict regiment of planking and bridging that I am tasked with everyday. Never thought I'd say it, but I miss the pool. And the pavement. And the sweat. Maybe even the spandex, just a little? Here is my first visit to the stationary bike:

My mood swings like a pendulum as each perceived victory is followed by a succession of defeats. I keep telling myself that I am lucky and things could be much worse. I pray, knowing that there is a lesson to be learned from all of this. Still I find myself on twitter reading about races and training, and hear my friends talking about progression and I feel lost. Something that was both inspiring and soothing was taken from me and my soul hurts. I say "sorry" more than I used to as I am often times offensive and bitter. It's difficult to mask the amount of physical pain, let alone the emotional pain that comes with not being able to fully function. I have a new found respect for those who are permanently crippled...they win a race everyday.

The pain in my hip is deep and it aches. But I am getting better. I can walk without crutches, albeit slowly. For all of the bad information on the web pertaining to this injury, the best thing I read about was the super-extensive recovery time. This is not a knee injury--they heal faster. Being a non-vascular joint means there is no blood flow to the injury or the repair, so it is taking my body much longer to absorb the work that was done. At this point in the recovery, my doctors are estimating a return to light jogging in mid-January and a return to pre-injury status in May-June. This gives me 2-3 months of preparation for the USAT nationals in August which I plan on attending. But for now, I will just take an hour without pain. Maybe even 30 minutes.

"Let it go. Let it roll right off your shoulder. Don't you know, the hardest part is over. Let it in. Let your clarity define you in the end. We will only just remember how it feels."